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Milton Jones: memorable comedy tour moments

Our guest blogger, UK comedian Milton Jones, shares his most memorable comedy tour moments.  Milton is in Melbourne to perform his self-titled show as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
Being a professional comedian means you get to face audiences all over the world, and occasionally run away from them too. From having no audience at all at the Edinburgh Fringe, to playing to 50 skiers on top of a French mountain…
…feeling like a performing monkey for millionaire yacht owners in Phuket, Thailand, or trying to silence a stag night of drunk men dressed as Elvis in London. (‘Oi lads, a little less conversation.’)
Being hired for a cruise in the Mediterranean that was effectively a council estate at sea, to interviewing tea plantation workers in Sri Lanka for a charity DVD, and having my quip about getting a tea-break get lost in translation.
Tricky moments in Qatar when a fight broke out in the audience and the venue owner feared that some of us would be thrown in prison, to facing the Hollywood industry in Montreal, and realizing that the woman with a pen and paper not facing the stage was just counting the number of laughs without watching the actual show.
How about being heckled by Russian prostitutes in Dubai or left speechless by a man in Dublin who stood up mid-show and shouted with sincerity ‘What is this?’
That’s what it’s like for us – baffling, provoking, enraging but mostly delighting the different groups of people set before us (otherwise we wouldn’t get booked again) – and all with the same or similar words.
So far, so good in Melbourne.