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Milton Jones: A day in the life of a comedian

Our guest blogger, UK comedian Milton Jones, will be sharing tales from the frontline during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, which runs from 26 March to 20 April. Milton is in Australia for the first time to perform his self-titled show at the Melbourne Town Hall.
MJ on stageThe audience rise to their feet, and roar uncontrollably for a third encore, but I have to get onto my private jet because I have a gig in Hawaii tomorrow.
Then I wake up. The roar is my wife hoovering round the bed. My hair is a mess. Shouldn’t have gone to bed with it wet. Coffee. Toast. Try and write some jokes.
Twisting, exaggerating the ordinary, desperately trying to extract the honey of funny. Nothing for two and a half hours.
Then! Then the best joke ever written by a human is born. I take the afternoon off.
That evening before the show I can’t help sharing it with the family. ‘Its not funny, Daddy.’ ‘Rubbish.’ They’re wrong. I’m a professional. What do they know?
Running late for the show now. Traffic. Arrive in the nick of time.
milton 1At last my name is announced. I used to get nervous. Now I have to slap my face to wake up.
I do my other jokes. Then I try the one my family were wrong about. Silence. Well, I heard a cough. Then I say something after it. This gets a big laugh.
Okay, the first thing might not have worked but the other one did. I never would have got there without the first. I am still a genius. ‘Loved new bit,’ says the promoter. ‘Well you know, I’ve been working hard…’
Home along deserted roads. A stale pie from a fluorescent petrol station to celebrate. I get in at 3am and have a shower. Too tired to dry my hair. Another day in the life of a comedian.
The best thing about this job is you get to go lots of interesting places and meet lots of interesting people. The worst is you get to go a lot of boring places and meet a lot of boring people. What ya got, Melbourne?